Reflections from a passionate affair

A brief outline of what I learned:

1. The way is not control. Fighting my id feeds it.
If the string is too taut, it will break... if it is too slack, it will not play - overheard by the Buddha during his ascetic retreat in the forest, as he was dying of starvation and exposure. This is metaphorically said to be the realization that led him to the Middle Way.

2. Acceptance of myself will paradoxically give me much better control.

3. Avoid things that feed my demons.

4. Don't crackboard instead of doing my practice.

5. If I REALLY want control of my desires - DON'T try to control them. It won't calm them down. Acceptance is the only thing that works. For an example, the "breaking of vows" among Buddhist monks (while it still happens) tends to be lower than that among Catholic priests. The whole issue of chastity/celibacy and the root drives is approached in an entirely different way.

6. Obsessing over relationships is bad LOA; I am not trusting that the Universe has my order.

7. If I trust that the Universe has my order, then paradoxically, I just may become one kickass tactician.

That's all.

I'll sum this up later... I'm still unpacking it.

Even if the relationship totally fails to launch, I would say that I have had epiphanies that cost far more. For the first time, I feel completely at peace with whatever happens, and if nothing else - it goes down as one very beautiful memory.

Prior to the affair (which, frankly, was nothing short of magical - and still is), I had become very dug-in with my moral guidelines, convincing myself that this would save me from further heartbreak. Waiting x number of days or weeks or months to consummate a relationship, would be the ultimate protection for my heart.

I went around pronouncing to everyone that I was "saved" more or less, and a changed woman. And I was convinced that I was. The end result is that several people now dislike me for being a hypocrite. I think that Chogyam Trungpa had something to say about this in his book, "Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism". And indeed I had become very self-centered, focusing on myself instead of flowing in and out with the people around me.

I was sure that I had found the answers. I can't find the answers for anyone else. Your mileage may vary. I can only plot my own course.

What I'm realizing is that nothing can protect me from heartbreak. I may as well be trying to deny the laws of gravity.

All I can do is completely trust. Flow in, flow out. This is hard work for an obsessive like me.

There are plenty of reasons to wait before you sleep with a new partner, but what I'm realizing is that protecting my heart is not one of them. It is not even possible or desirable to protect my heart.

The attempt to protect my heart is exactly what kept love out all these years.

Furthermore, trying to suppress your id is not how you keep yourself in check. It's not even remotely the beginning of discipline. I stretched my string to the breaking point, and it snapped. Mastery is not suppression. Mastery must first begin with a knowledge of my own erroneous zones.

I used to wonder why I was so obsessed with sex. I am realizing that guilt was the flipside of this. There can be no calm abiding with a war in your head.

Paradoxically, I may find it easier to wait in the future.

From ANY Buddhist perspective (whether conventional or the view of my controversial sect), I can't fight the laws of nature, or that I will grow old and die. Aversion (my newfound moral stance, prior to the affair; or the times I've sworn off of relationships altogether) is the flipside of attachment (my horrible longing and angst).

From a LOA perspective, I just have to trust that the Universe has my order, and let go. Trying to keep tinkering my order after it's already been placed, is like holding out a fist instead of an open hand. In all of my experiences of LOA and magick, I have nearly always gotten my wish *after* I had completely released it. I know for a fact that my love is on the way to me very soon - whether it's this one or someone else, and I can only know who it is, in retrospect.

And from a Taoist perspective, I can't steer a sailboat. Only point the sails into the wind. And try not to sail in stormy weather.

I once said that I would be French about my past, and Mormon about my future. I suppose I am amending that. French about my past, French about my present - Tibetan about my future. [This will make sense if you keep reading me. And for one particular reader - they're still a fairly modest people.]

I've spoken a lot in other communities about what another poster termed "swine culture". I still completely agree. The difference is that I think that the answer is innocence, not an icon-smashing campaign and puritan movement.

Repression is the flipside of decadence. Repression breeds more decadence, which in turn breeds more repression. Which breeds greater decadence and deepens the spiral of social decay that we are in.