We ponder whether or not we are deserving, but when I think about how I'd love to have a home filled with flowers and a lover who brings me things from the market... am I more likely to have this with a man? Someone picking me up from my home in Outer Nowheresville, is a man more likely to do this, just because of social conditioning that men "do things" for women and "fix things" for women?
Of course, plenty of women are with men who *don't* do any of these things.
I desire women, not men... but at the same time... sometimes I really feel like I wouldn't mind a little bit of rescue, a little bit of coddling.
Right now is one of those times. I'm premenstrual and moody, and sometimes doubtful. I'm stressed about school and about finances and about being the last single person in my social group and about other things. I wouldn't mind it if I could just put my head in someone's lap and cry... someone who wouldn't have someone else that needed them more. If it were only okay to NEED someone.
I can't always be the strong one. I was the strong one in my last relationship, but I need someone who can also be the strong one from time to time, too.
At the same time, I wonder if perhaps I haven't brought tenderness and nurturance into my life because it's almost a foreign entity. I've stated before that my father was anti-emotion and my mother is a hardnosed and pragmatic woman. I'm so used to being left on my own with my feelings that I'm not sure I even know how to express them at times. I know how to be the martyr and look after someone else, but how do I express when I need looking after?
I have plenty of love to give, but I need someone to love me, too.
I'd like to feel more badass - that I could go out and be this super confident thing who hits on people - but right now I don't feel badass. What I feel is vulnerable, at the moment.
I want to belong to somebody. I need my hair to be stroked, I need to feel desired. I need to be held.
No comments:
Post a Comment