Reflection after a long absence

It may seem surprising to some that a year and a half or more after my "wild fling" (which was wild to me, but standard operating procedure to him), I am actually out as a lesbian.

Perhaps only half surprising, since I was previously bisexual.

Perhaps not that surprising after all, since I was out as a lesbian before getting with my ex. And before my ex's sex change.

When I found my ex, it was as if part of me clicked into place - I was at peace with my gender for the first time, at home in my own body. But then my ex became a man. Which was his decision to make, but now I was left again to ponder the question of... "What am I?"

I started to identify as bisexual, because the idea of being seen with someone who passed flawlessly as a man - while calling myself a lesbian - seemed preposterous.

And I don't mean that I identified as bisexual; I mean that I was bisexual. Or so I thought I was.

Recently, there was an energy shift of some sort. I don't need to explain this to people who are more in tune with the metaphysical side of things, but nothing has been the same since - my senses don't work the same way; I don't even live in my body the same way that I did.

Previous to the shift, I did vastly prefer women, but I still responded powerfully to men. Or rather... to specific men who came along once every few years when I was in the right mood. I was perfectly capable of responding (and even being limerently obsessive - and swoony - look at the Daniel Jackson clone for proof of that)... up to a point, that point being actual boy-girl intercourse (which admittedly does nothing for me; I sadly have no attraction whatsoever to penis, I've recently admitted to myself).

So, up until my most recent girl-crush clarified things for me a bit more, I had every reason to believe that I was bisexual.

This may have been true at some point int he past. The thing is, over time, I have been drifting further and further up the Kinsey scale. The older I get, the more I'm attracted to women and the less (and less frequently) I'm attracted to men. Before realizing this, I experienced the occasional switchback, but a dear friend pointed out that it's like a compass wildly vacillating before finding true north.

One of my friends recently pointed out to me that having observed me, it seems as if with men, I'm attracted to the validation I receive... the promise of security. With women, I'm attracted to them. With men, I'm attracted to their attraction to me. With women, I'm attracted to the woman herself. With men, I talk myself into getting involved with them and looking for them, and with women, I've always tried to talk myself out of it.

The most significant relationship of my life was with a woman. I liked male company, but vastly preferred actual sex with women. Then there's the fact that I have yet to actually fall for a male friend. It's as if the initial attraction dies down and I'm left with nothing. I've yet to ever rekindle a spark with a male ex. But I have fallen for most of my female friends at some point or another, and seem to feel this attraction potential with most women.

It took me two years to fully get over my ex. Two years during which I returned to men because... frankly... they just seemed easier. Easier in every possible way. Less abusive. Less filled with drama and game-playing.

Cheaper.

The traditional setup is thus: the man does much of the physical legwork; the man pays for the dates. So, when I say that it was cheaper to date men... it really was... quite literally... cheaper. Men seemed actually willing and able to do the work, to do things for me, to teach me things. For example, there actually seemed some hope I might get a man to teach me to ride a bike.

Plus, I was now armed with new insight into what men must deal with on a daily basis when faced with my species.

I have some more thoughts, but they'll wait until I'm back from school. A friend of mine has fallen in love (at a breakneck pace) and the things she enjoys in her relationship - the honesty, the knowingness of each other, the way that the two are able to get beyond the day to day of their ordinary lives - make me think, rather poignantly, of what I'd really love to have.

The other thing is that I no longer practice that form of Buddhism, but it yielded many wonderful insights. In fact, I no longer practice any religion in particular. But that almost seems like the topic of *another* post.