Reflections from "A Return To Modesty"

I feel at times like I must be in the closet for being a swooner.

This made me think, rather painfully, on the presumption that most men have made of me in my dating career: that there is something wrong with me because I am so profoundly moved by intimacy.

For reasons proven by this month's mini-heartbreak, who just does not seem to have a database for a woman who faints from being kissed by an attractive man, or doesn't generally go around kissing men without knowing their middle name, birthday or handedness, I understand some of why I hardened my heart all those years. He very honestly was just the latest insult in a lifetime of insults.

It's been very difficult for me, over the years, to meet people who actually want a person like me.

When I am attracted to somebody, it is so much an all body affair. I am undone. I'll be a quiet, catnipped zombie from their scent. I tremble and make little noises when they touch me, I gaze on them and drink them in with my eyes. And, in fact, I'm a swooner. I have been known to faint when I'm kissed by somebody that I like.

The intensity of my reaction makes people think I am totally in love with them. I have had so many people I like break up with me over this, and in fact, the ones I've kept interested are the ones I'm not that attracted to.

Daniel Jackson Clone was not the first person to be perplexed that I was a swooner. I've swooned on other people before, and generally got the same reaction. (Maybe this should go in my OKCupid profile.)

Most people these days actually are repelled by women who have emotional depth. A hundred years ago, such a thing was considered desirable, but it's not these days. It makes me alien.

On the other hand, it's considered desirable now when a man has emotional depth; it's a sign that he's a sensitive soul.

Go figure.

I wish I could just marry Wendy Shalit. She's the only person who understands me.

The rest of the culture doesn't. There are times that my faith in my LOA and in Buddhism is not strong enough to keep me from considering that my options are the nunnery, Paxil or death.

I would in fact go more "modest" if I lived in a cooler climate. I'd wear long skirts with lace-up shoes. Maybe the right Victorian man, or woman (because I've decided to be open-minded) would know me on sight, and care to court me.

Meanwhile, I'm rethinking my stance on medication; next week I may end up going and getting a scrip for enough Paxil to stun an elephant.

Unless the Universe gives me a sign by then.

Another thought about Full Reliance

Full Reliance may be, as well, what helps me when I am with a new person, so that I am not jumping ahead to Vegas in my mind.

I need absolute faith that my one is out there looking for me - whether it is this person or not.

Love at first sight doesn't work if one of you needs glasses

Scientists have come to accept the notion of love at first sight as having some validity. I will post the links when I find them, but what explains this phenomenon is that the person has some kind of "love map" in their mind, and when they meet a person who fits it, they are able to process a lot of information about that person, checking them off against their subconscious list.

This sounds suspiciously like a Law of Attraction based mate checklist, and people who use LOA for love seem to have a much quicker "gel" of their relationships than do people who use conventional means. I've observed this over and over again.

What inspires this reflection, is my own personal romantic minefield.

My Daniel Jackson left me a note to explain why he was "dialing home" and gating back to Earth. That is if I assume his correspondence was closure and not the seeking of dialogue. Closure is the best assumption to make, for the sake of my own sanity.

Basically, in so many words - he could tell that I was already at the climax of our shared novel, and he was still in the first chapter. Being rather more in tune than a typical dense male, he picked up on these subtle signs.

I attempted to use tactics (such as The Rules) - I behaved well in the sense of not initiating any contact between dates, not talking about our future and not talking about my feelings - but apparently while I did play my cards close to my chest, I didn't play them close enough.

He said that he could tell by the way that I looked at him. Some time before, he commented one time that he had never before dated a woman who fainted from being kissed. He seemed to perceive my very strong attraction to him as this very strange thing.

Which to be fair, I had never before dated a man who could make me faint.

Among those things is that he regretted horribly that we had "gone all the way" for these reasons. I had initially convinced him that I needed a bond *first*, but then decided "what the hell". I really did not feel like sleeping with him or not sleeping with him would have any bearing upon my feelings. I was already in very deep water.

He'll probably try to wait next time around.

For the first time, I'm not frustrated with the other person, or angry with them. Of all those I've been with, he's been the most direct and sincere about where he is at and who he is, and even his note to me expressed this. He never promised me anything.

Furthermore, I consciously intended this relationship using LOA techniques. Any hurt I've inflicted upon myself, is completely my responsibility. Why should I blame the other person for a situation that I created?

And frankly, that one night is the best memory of the kind that I have. It was the fulfillment of

very many wishes and dreams that I've had since puberty, and the connection that preceded it fulfilled many wishes and dreams that I've had all my life. I just hope it won't ruin me for others.

I'd never before - ever - made love with somebody to whom I felt any kind of genuine connection on multiple levels. Laying in the dark discussing phi, the beauty of the shadows on the walls, and having such an open communication with someone that I felt got me. Who actually looked in my eyes the whole time. Joked with me over breakfast. That one night and the week leading up to it, were more perfect than any I've had in even a relationship that lasted two years.

I've generally wanted to wait, but everything felt so irresistibly perfect. There is probably one perfect fantasy for which most people wouldn't wait. This was mine. I am either some kind of anthropology slut (I'm half tempted to haunt university halls in my hooker pumps now), which should not be surprising since I *was* an anthropology major, and it's probably the major I'll transfer with. Or else I just have a weakness for someone who considers the Golden Ratio something akin to the fingerprint of G-d.

No, this time, I'm frustrated with myself.

What I'm more frustrated with, though, is my relationship paradigm.

I have two basic types of relationships I've experienced: soulmates and cellmates.

I am an agnostic about the whole past life thing, but I accept that believers are describing a particular model of relationship and particular type of chemistry. I've felt that before.

It's honestly the only kind of relationship I desire. It's what I've experienced in fleeting moments with a few others (especially if they are Myers-Briggs Intuitive Feeler types - who unfortunately are everyone's soulmate) and most powerfully and poignantly with my Daniel clone.

This is where you feel such an easy communication with a person, and so many common interests and viewpoints, such a powerful feeling of shared vision, that you feel as if this person were made just for you. When my Daniel and I walked in the city at night, one of us would look at the shadows on the ground and be struck by the fact that the other was looking at exactly the same thing in exactly the same way. As a person who's often felt like an alien creature, can I really be blamed at wanting to cleave so hard to another member of my own kind, if they are the first I've seen in so long?

But my soulmate relationships have been brief and fleeting. I've had about 4 or so connections like this in my whole lifetime, and they generally have played out the same way. I'm ready to run to Vegas and get hitched by an Elvis impersonator practically from the first kiss. I see myself married to them.

However, I am just some woman they are getting to know. Again. I'm already at the climax of the novel while they are on the first page.

The other type of relationship, I'll call "cellmates".

These have been my longest lasting relationships. We end up staying together because of the prison we are in - a shared home, shared groups of friends, something entirely external to us. But we are always on the same page, always equally unhappy.

I often think that at 35 I probably should just give up the whole soulmate thing. The trouble is, that it is so deeply engrained in me that I don't know how possible this will be.

I also understand something about my issue of instant recognition.

I have met most of my "soulmates" after creating a master list of about 150-200 items and a smaller list of about 5 major nonnegotiable personality traits. I do a Law of Attraction process, and frequently very quickly meet the person. My recognition is quick. In the case of the eccentric archaeologist in question, it was instantaneous; I knew him when he wrote me, and I knew him when I saw him.

My Daniel Jackson clone showed up the very next day after I finalized my list, and met most of the items. He said things that I've long thought but never imagined any other human being in the world, actually cared about... such as that phi is the concept that inspires the closest to genuine religious awe.

Because of my list, I'm able to process a lot about a person's compatibility very quickly. I can figure out how much they fit the list after a few conversations, learning more about them (in Daniel's case, Google was my friend), and being around them a few times - provided we actually have any kind of deep conversation.

No wonder there is a discrepancy between how far along in emotion I am with my "soulmates", and where they are at with me. The relationship, for me, started not with our first meeting, but with my conceptualizing them over time and creating them from the ether. The relationship, for them, started with our meeting.

I've often described the world that does not accept/practice LOA, as being the world of sleepers. They remain blind to the forces that move them, and they drift from one experience to another without any real conscious intentionality.

I have to accept that most people are sleepers. The person that I have consciously manifested (and recognize immediately because of it) has not necessarily manifested me. It may take them time, and conventional sleeper methods, to know me. And because they do not have a clear picture of what they want, this process may not be very efficient.

They need to rely upon conventional sleeper methods to know me and fall in love with me, which can take quite a while, during which time they are scared off by my greater emotional investment.

Because of this differential, I will ALWAYS be way ahead, emotionally, of someone who has not consciously intended me.

For this reason, I've realized that these are the very most important items on my list (they were way down at the bottom before):

You have created me, as I've created you. And you will recognize me.

Because I really want a relationship where we are emotionally on the same page.

There is one final thought on why I'm not on the same page as those I've been interested in:

I've been ready to get married for a long time, ever since about two years prior to the blunder of my first marriage.

Three dates is long enough for me to size up a lot of a person's mate potential, provided we spend relaxed time around each other in an informal setting.

Many men report that when they meet the woman they want to marry, the readiness preceded meeting her. They already want a wife prior to the woman showing up. They have, in short, intended to meet a future wife.

Whereas the process of girlfriend acquisition, prior to this readiness tipping point, tends to be rather random. "I like her; I like spending time around her; let's see where this goes."

But still. Even this connects to intention-manifestation, don't you see?

I really, really want a partner who will pick me up, and carry me, when I faint.

Today's conspicuous benefit

Helluva conspicuous benefit, as we Nichirens call it.

I have done no external action on a pressing matter at hand, save for chant, chant, chant. I'll talk about the benefit at some point later.

Basically, I have matters with someone in my life that needed to be resolved.

I did not sit and obsess over the matter like usual, obsessing over the best things to say.

I did nothing to seek resolution except chant for the person to pick up the phone and call me.

I chanted vigorously between 620 and 645pm.

The person wrote me an email - and the timestamp was 638pm.

I've met my enemy

...and she is me.

Full Reliance

Presently in that pre-relationship limbo (sort of seeing someone yet still single), and having calmed down from the potent oxytocin-dopamine cocktail generated by drunken bliss mixed with my own premature expectations and projections, I took a deep breath and realized that after all, yes, I am still technically single.

The cute, eccentric Daniel Jackson clone (in many respects) in question has not exactly applied for sole excavation rights on Planet Alice, and statistically speaking, could dissappear at any moment as if he were jumping through the stargate back to Earth.

I also realized that alas, the love of my life of precisely twelve hours last week, does indeed have patches of humanity yet to be discovered.

So yes, indeed, I am still single, and should this one go “poof” as Sherry & Ellen (of “The Rules” fame) term it – when people with whom one has previously enjoyed a weeklong passionate affair, suddenly stage a dissappearing act - then I am back where I started, a little older and wiser.

And yes, I very much wish to find the love of my life. And alas, the man who was the love of my life for precisely twelve hours last week, has not yet made a decisive movement toward staking his territory. More, I realize - I don't know him.

Furthermore: either anyone I am presently dating will be the love of my life, or they will not. Hard as it is to admit, I can't know that yet. I'll only know in retrospect. There is absolutely nothing I can do to cast anyone in this role, aside from not screw up in some major way, and not say "no" if a suitable candidate presents themselves to audition for this role.

The manner in which many modern women handle this situation, is to “multidate” or “power date”. How this is carried out depends upon your morals. Some more modern women choose to keep a “pair and a spare” meaning that they date two men (or women, or both) fairly regularly while keeping one “emergency backup boyfriend”. Some books (such as “The Four Man Plan”) even state it's “okay” to have sex with one of the people you are seeing. Again, this all depends upon what moral construction you subscribe to. Some women choose not to even kiss any of the men (or women, or both) they are multidating.

The idea is to handle dating in as efficient a manner as possible, tracking one's romantic prospects like business prospects. One handles dating in an efficient, businesslike and impersonal manner and avoids wasting time being attached to the wrong men (or women, or both).

For some reason, my attempts to do this, triggered me fully in the direction of worsening my attachment to the outcome. I was focused completely on relationships, not on any number of other things I'd prefer to study.

This is actually very bad, from the Law of Attraction standpoint. The general LOA tactic is to assume that one is already in possession (or cohabitation, or whatever term applies) of the thing which they are attracting.

Why would I participate in dating forums, read relationship books, or multi-date if I were already with the person of my dreams?

Furthermore, just thinking about relationships makes me rather miserable. My research into LOA (and acquaintance with people in my Buddhist organization) and how many people actually mate in real life, confirms for me that I am really no more likely to find the love of my life by trying to find the love of my life, than by doing nothing. And in my case, I am possibly more likely to find that person by doing nothing at all, since action makes me so very overwrought.

I have decided to take a somewhat radical path: Full Reliance.

By this, I mean that I am attempting to walk away from conventional wisdom whether traditional or contemporary, any book that has been written on relationships, any board that focuses on this, and even most external attempts to date (I'm debating whether to keep my OKCupid profile active - although taking it down would be a supreme act of faith).

I am ceasing all conventional attempts to find a relationship.

I am placing full reliance on Buddhism and LOA for my relationship questions. I take my relationship issues before the Gohonzon. Tempted to call him? Do an hour of daimoku. Daimoku instead of crackboarding my relationship boards. Read only Buddhist, LOA-oriented and compatible (which oddly - some Christian dating books are quite compatible in philosophy) books regarding relationships if I must read relationship books at all, and then only to reaffirm my faith that Mr. or Ms. Whoever is out there.

Sounds easy, doesn't it.

You've got to be kidding me.

It's one of the hardest things ever.

But I do feel a sense of spaciousness. I am actually getting on to doing things I'd much rather be doing (such as running, brushing up on Chinese, reading my new-to-me book about monkeys), and I do my best to trust that the Universe has my order - while keeping a space in my life for that person. Keeping the space open is absolutely necessary.

I may or may not find my mate this way. But I may or may not find my mate using conventional methods, and heck - at least I spent my year or more doing more productive things than mate-shopping.

Today's i ching

"Love I Ching" from ifate.com. All of my i ching readings from ifate.com have been pretty uncanny. Much of the time any readings tend to be vague and thus universally applicable, but this one very precisely answered my question.

Here's today's:

New Beginnings

A clean slate and emotional stability are referenced by this hexagram. You are getting the chance to start over with someone. Old viewpoints and past incidents no longer have any bearing at this point. You have come a long way and a new romantic journey is indicated. Like a traveler who has traversed a difficult and wide river, you have reached solid ground on the other side. Heartache and old wounds have healed well. But the river bank is not the final stopping place. The wise person never stops moving and growing. Share a secret you don't normally share with someone or go to an event you don't normally go to. Increased love and wellbeing will come with new experience. New territories are indicated and it will be smooth going. A new relationship has a smooth beginning. Stay balanced internally, or the road ahead could become bumpy.

Mormon or French?

Just a few weeks ago, I said that I would regard my love life in the following way: Mormon about my future, French about my past.

Looking back on my former love life, it wasn't terribly French. It was more like a repressed victim of Catholic school education, who tries to swear up and down they are saved after every new affair and then blames each ex for her ruination.

But I swore I was changed yet again, and would be like a Mormon about my next relationship.

And found myself in one that breaks every single one of the rules I've always set for myself.

So much for a French past, and an un-French present.

Never before have I ever conducted a third date in a brilliant eccentric's unmade apartment, discussing philosophy in the middle of the night, on a mattress on the floor. The only thing missing would have been an ashtray full of cigarette butts next to the bed.

Even more French is the fact that I have absolutely no regrets regardless of whatever happens, and will look on the evening fondly for the rest of my life. It will probably be memorialized in a short story or memoir one day either as the beginning of a brilliant collaboration, or a sweet interlude, or a scene for a story.

I think I am a jack-Mormon about my past, French about my present. Who knows what the future holds. I strive for Tibetan, but that's the subject of another post.

Reflections from a passionate affair

A brief outline of what I learned:

1. The way is not control. Fighting my id feeds it.
If the string is too taut, it will break... if it is too slack, it will not play - overheard by the Buddha during his ascetic retreat in the forest, as he was dying of starvation and exposure. This is metaphorically said to be the realization that led him to the Middle Way.

2. Acceptance of myself will paradoxically give me much better control.

3. Avoid things that feed my demons.

4. Don't crackboard instead of doing my practice.

5. If I REALLY want control of my desires - DON'T try to control them. It won't calm them down. Acceptance is the only thing that works. For an example, the "breaking of vows" among Buddhist monks (while it still happens) tends to be lower than that among Catholic priests. The whole issue of chastity/celibacy and the root drives is approached in an entirely different way.

6. Obsessing over relationships is bad LOA; I am not trusting that the Universe has my order.

7. If I trust that the Universe has my order, then paradoxically, I just may become one kickass tactician.

That's all.

I'll sum this up later... I'm still unpacking it.

Even if the relationship totally fails to launch, I would say that I have had epiphanies that cost far more. For the first time, I feel completely at peace with whatever happens, and if nothing else - it goes down as one very beautiful memory.

Prior to the affair (which, frankly, was nothing short of magical - and still is), I had become very dug-in with my moral guidelines, convincing myself that this would save me from further heartbreak. Waiting x number of days or weeks or months to consummate a relationship, would be the ultimate protection for my heart.

I went around pronouncing to everyone that I was "saved" more or less, and a changed woman. And I was convinced that I was. The end result is that several people now dislike me for being a hypocrite. I think that Chogyam Trungpa had something to say about this in his book, "Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism". And indeed I had become very self-centered, focusing on myself instead of flowing in and out with the people around me.

I was sure that I had found the answers. I can't find the answers for anyone else. Your mileage may vary. I can only plot my own course.

What I'm realizing is that nothing can protect me from heartbreak. I may as well be trying to deny the laws of gravity.

All I can do is completely trust. Flow in, flow out. This is hard work for an obsessive like me.

There are plenty of reasons to wait before you sleep with a new partner, but what I'm realizing is that protecting my heart is not one of them. It is not even possible or desirable to protect my heart.

The attempt to protect my heart is exactly what kept love out all these years.

Furthermore, trying to suppress your id is not how you keep yourself in check. It's not even remotely the beginning of discipline. I stretched my string to the breaking point, and it snapped. Mastery is not suppression. Mastery must first begin with a knowledge of my own erroneous zones.

I used to wonder why I was so obsessed with sex. I am realizing that guilt was the flipside of this. There can be no calm abiding with a war in your head.

Paradoxically, I may find it easier to wait in the future.

From ANY Buddhist perspective (whether conventional or the view of my controversial sect), I can't fight the laws of nature, or that I will grow old and die. Aversion (my newfound moral stance, prior to the affair; or the times I've sworn off of relationships altogether) is the flipside of attachment (my horrible longing and angst).

From a LOA perspective, I just have to trust that the Universe has my order, and let go. Trying to keep tinkering my order after it's already been placed, is like holding out a fist instead of an open hand. In all of my experiences of LOA and magick, I have nearly always gotten my wish *after* I had completely released it. I know for a fact that my love is on the way to me very soon - whether it's this one or someone else, and I can only know who it is, in retrospect.

And from a Taoist perspective, I can't steer a sailboat. Only point the sails into the wind. And try not to sail in stormy weather.

I once said that I would be French about my past, and Mormon about my future. I suppose I am amending that. French about my past, French about my present - Tibetan about my future. [This will make sense if you keep reading me. And for one particular reader - they're still a fairly modest people.]

I've spoken a lot in other communities about what another poster termed "swine culture". I still completely agree. The difference is that I think that the answer is innocence, not an icon-smashing campaign and puritan movement.

Repression is the flipside of decadence. Repression breeds more decadence, which in turn breeds more repression. Which breeds greater decadence and deepens the spiral of social decay that we are in.